Absent from the Blog

I’ve been absent. Not from the computer, just from my blogs. I apologize, but it might continue. I’m on facebook. Addicted? Oh, probably, but it’s offered a new and interesting way to catch up with people in my life. People I haven’t seen for years, and people I see ever Sunday. It’s been awesome, but by hanging out there, I know I’ve been missing some of my readers here. If you are interested in ‘joining’ me over at facebook, leave a message. I’ve been busy with the Center for Pregnancy Choices. It’s officially open. Paperwork, knitting, everything is pretty much geared towards that the past few months. This will probably continue to be. I’m volunteering there around 12 to 15 hours a week.  Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.  It’s been 11 years since I’ve had a job outside the home, and they aren’t used to sharing me with the rest of the world. So far it’s going okay, but it’s new and interesting.   I’m still knitting, mostly baby items to use up my stash yarn, with the hope that I can use all that lace weight yarn I have hiding in my closet, soon.  I’m also spinning yarn on a borrowed spinning wheel and loving it.  It really slows down my mind and helps me think clearly. I love starting my day with a good spinning session!

So… I’ll be around, k?

Help the Center for Pregnancy Choices win a website! Please vote

I’m not one that usually does these type of things, but this is a wonderful opportunity for our Center. We are quickly approaching our launch day of Jan 22nd, 2009, the anniversary of Roe vs Wade. We choose this day for many reasons, one to reclaim it for the mission of sanctity of life.

Our center is called the Center for Pregnancy Choices, is 100% pro-life, education and support and right now has a great opportunity for a free website. We are in the finalist and just need enough votes to ‘win’ On the website below you can read a bit about the 3 choices and cast your vote. Of course I’d love if it was for our center, but all three do seem to have a wonderful chance to help many people.

Thanks!
http://mediaoutreach.com/?page_id=701

Failure to Communicate

I have 4 children. 3 girls and 1 boy. Girl, Boy, Girl, Girl.

This blog post will be one of those ‘woe is me’ blog posts I’ve warned about.

My first girl turns 13 in a few days (that’s not the reason for woe is me, at least not for this post) When she was 12 months old she lost all her communication skills (and she had many) and some of her developmental abilities. She regressed to about 3 months old. It was heartbreaking and it wasn’t until about 3rd grade that we finally got a reasonable ‘diagnosis’ to make sense of it all. She had memory problems. She would learn, and unlearn things, life skills, etc. No clue why, or how, or what, just that she had severe developmental delays with severe communication disorders. She’s great now, we’ve grown to put things into her life that are automatic, to help her remember, and deal with life. We don’t even really think about it anymore (like only giving her a list of 2 things at most to do in a row etc) Her communication, person to person, could use some help, but she’s not a dummy. Vocab is college level, reading is almost post highschool. I’m proud.

Dear son, never had any problems other than a year to correct some speech problems that most kids have. Got the R under control and he was fine. To fine. He’s to smart for public schools, but it’s where we have him at the moment.

5 years later came dear daughter number two and I knew fairly quickly something was unique about her. She would line up all her toys in rows, everything was rows… drawing bubbles in rows, people, in rows.  Once we realized that her mind thought this way, it’s been easier to help her learn things, but it’s a struggle for her. She’s been labeled communication disorder too.  She’s finally speaking quite well but there were a few years there that it was quite frustrating.  We are learning that her communication disorder resembles nothing like my oldest and so some of the things that work for her, don’t work for dd2. But we are dealing and things are going well.  She’s becoming teachable.

5 years later, I have my next daughter. She’s almost 18 months. This is where the woe is me comes in.

I believe she also has a communication disorder. Perhaps worse than all of them. No words at all at 18 months.  It breaks my heart. I was doing just fine with it until yesterday. Then it hit me, that I probably have another child that won’t speak or learn or live quite normal.  It’s not fair. It’s not fair? It’s not fair! Why? Why?

Woe is me, it’s selfish of me to feel this way.  I know the next few years are going to be frustrating, perhaps more for her as for me, because I know she’ll want to communicate but won’t be able to.  I guess because I’ve been through this before 2 times now, I just don’t want to think about going thruogh it again.  It’s not fair. But God, I love her so much.   Not sure I can explain the hopelessness I feel, and the guilt, and the anger, and the depression.  Is it my genes? Something I ate? Something I did? Something I didn’t do?  Why my girls and not my boy?  They are so precious, why them? Why is ‘normal’ for us ‘abnormal’?

I realize that having ‘lived’ through this with 2 other children, doing a 3rd should be easy… but I sort of feel like it’s going to be harder.  Ignorance is bliss? Dreams again delayed? Waiting for that one day she looks at me and say mama… wanting for that one day I’ll  tell her to stop saying ‘mama, mama, mama’ over and over. So hard to wait, to trust, to know… to wait… and wait… and pray… and pray.. and hope… and never really know…

Woe is me… I’m scared, and sad, and selfish.

Looking forward, changing my dreams, hoping to see more clearly. They all deserve it.

Loser Voting

I live in a Red State. Conservatism, for now rules.

I voted yesterday. For a 3rd party.

I was a loser.

Having fellow, well loved and beloved Christian friends tell me I threw away my vote, or by not voting for McCain I was voting for Obama is heart breaking.

I didn’t throw away my vote anymore than they did. I voted.

I had that vote counted. I matter. I drew the line and both men failed.

My voice matters.  They don’t understand.

But I do. By voting for a known loser, I won.

It’s enough for me.

Checkmate.

Blink(10/13/08)

I blinked and days and days went by. So much for my idea of posting daily! I barely dragged myself to the computer some days, so I suppose it could be worse!

Last Thursday began the parent teacher conferences. I’m trying to find a quote on my other blog about these things… Ah here it is, from October 12th, 2005:

Tonight is the kids Teacher/Parent Lieing Contest. I mean Conference. I go in there, sit down, and nod alot with a smile pasted to my lips. “Your son is so wonderful, never misbehaves, is a natural leader” Why do teachers lie? I mean, how is it that my children can be so different at school than they are at home. I know full well that they are throwing fits, kicking desks, tossing books around and not using that “indoor voice“

Or could it be, that just by crossing the threshold of my home turns them into demons. And there is somthing magical, perhaps pretty pixie dust, that they inhale on the bus drive to school that turns them into perfect, wonderful, calm angels. Do they sell this dust on ebay? Can it be bought by the public. I need 6 tons of it.

I giggle when I read it. Yeah, I remember feeling that way. Totally! But it seems like someone else too at the same time. Amazing what a few years, and kids changing/growing, changes things.

I will go to PTC’s tonight/tomorrow night and learn that yes, Dani (1st grade) doesn’t always use her inside voice, but otherwise is probably a pretty calm, lovely young gal, and totally believe it.  Trying to explain to the teacher that the fact that Dani is even Talking.. even if it is LOUDLY is such a pleasure and amazing leap of development that I’m so stinking happy, and would be even if she was screaming at the tops of her lungs (with in reason I suppose). That will be something harder to explain. She struggles with things, she’s a bit of a perfectionest trapped in a mind/body that has delays and it drives her nuts and sad sometimes.  She wants to know everything she can, NOW, but just lacks the ability. It will come, I have no doubt, but she will need to let us work with her to make it so.

Mike (11) has grow into a charming, engaging, politically minded, news devouring young man. It’s actually pretty easy to have more deep conversations with him, and have him bring up points of views I haven’t thought about (past mumble from him after watching the news… wow, it’s like Chase bank is buying up all the other banks…one day, Chase is going to own every bank in the world, then all we will have to do is go to Chase and get what we need, I don’t like it though, it gives to much power to one bank…)  Gee–and I’ve never taught him about end times One world Religion/Money or anything like that! Made me stop and think what all this ‘bailout’ really means in the scheme of my faith.

My ‘cool’ (her word) oldest daughter turns 13 soon. She’s always played the ‘dummy’ in the family. Mike was the smart one, so she’s the cool one. Last year told us that wasn’t quite true. Straight A’s. This year, it became even more apparent. Our little, communication and severely developmentally delayed gal, is reading at a 11th grade level, and has a post high school vocabulary, she’s excelling at Band, and if we can keep her from getting a bit lazy, will again pull straight a’s (maybe a B here or there)  I sat her down the other day and reminded her that she can be the ‘cool’ kid, but I know she’s smart, and if she doesn’t know it, she needs to understand. She has brains, good brains, great brains, and while it took a while for that brain/communication skills to develop, and there still might be times it doesn’t click and we can help her through that, they are coming along great and I know she’s headed for wonderful things in her life.  I wish I had known all that when I was screaming her her, at the top of my lungs, when she was 2 and 3 years old, not understanding why simple things were so hard for her.  I had no clue.  Maybe I still don’t.

Dang it I love my kids.

Oh, and yes I do have 4 children. Marissa is, almost 16 months old. She only has 2 teeth, her hair is growing wonky, she doesn’t say ANY words (yeah she lost the word apple somewhere.. bummer) but she loves to play Chess with Mike (their version), she loves to cuddle when Mom sings her Amazing Grace. Itsy Bitsy Spider is her favorite thing, and she doesn’t ever tire of hearing about the wheels on the bus.  She walks, she runs, she stumbles, she’s learning to climb. She’d love to color the house with markers if she could, and she still puts everything in her mouth. I’d love for her to say my name, or Milk, or bottle… I’ve been down this road 2 other times now, and it’s so difficult not to get frustrated and fearful.  But I also know, I’ve been down this road 2 other times, and things will…work…out.  They always do, she is who she is… my baby, and that’s all she needs to be, right now, for today.

And for today, I will be what I can only be. Their, ever-learning, quite flawed, clueless, funny, silly, willing, awestruck — Mom.

Sick-Sick(10/08-09/08)

Remember when I said some days I might just write

Gah – Sigh

That’s today, and yesterday. Icky.  Later

Beloved Disciple(10/06/08)

I’m starting the Beth Moore study: Beloved Disciple. Over the next few weeks, I’ll probably pull some quotes from it that really spoke to me and share on the blog. Here are the ones from today. (I’m trying to catch up on homework, so it’s from the first week homework and some of the second)

Oh, the Beloved Disciple is a study on John (not the baptist, though the study starts off talking about him) but the John who wrote the Gospel. How he called himself “the disciple whom Jesus loved.“  How this son of Thunder became the Beloved, and how we can take the same journey and have the same legacy. We can, each of us, be His only Beloved Disciple. If you want to be involved in the study, it’s on Thursday mornings 9:30 to Noon in Logan… childcare usually provided (last week the child care worker had an ER visit so wasn’t able to) We get together, discuss the homework and watch a video, and eat donuts… (I mean healthy things like grapes!)

And now some thoughts/fragments of thought:

Do I cover my insecurities with a blanket of sameness?(routines/traditions/laws/ordinances/ceremonies/habits)

Even in the silent years of Israel’s history, God was never inactive. God’s silence never equals his slumber.  Thankfully, no amount of tradition can stop God when He has a mind to change things.

I don’t have all the answers–I’m still trying to figure out what the questions are!

If you’re bored with life, and stuck in a rut of routine, you may have believed IN Christ, but you may not yet have agreed to follow Him.(reference of Him calling his disciples)  People are much harder to change than water (his first miracle)

People knew Jesus was unique before they knew He was God.

Believing and living a lie is so exhausting. Learn to see yourself in relationship with Jesus Christ.  Trying to be someone else is exhausting, learn to define yourself by your relationship to Jesus. We arrive at an important place of maturity when we can say who we are–and who we are not. Take off that mask.

Jesus is not a superhuman. He is God  who occupies the throne of all creation. One reason Jesus takes us places we’ve never been is to show us that He’s not like anyone else.(reference to the mount of transfiguration)

Sometimes we go our own ways, and God has mercy on us and shows us something there. Other times we beg Him to allow us to go a certain place, and He consents. Still other times God takes us places we never intended to go and reveals Himself to us in ways we didn’t even know He existed.

Opening Gifts(10/05/08)

What a great day. I stepped out into the gifts God has given me today (really want to talk about these more in another blog, since spiritual gifts might be a term some of my friends don’t understand… it isn’t quite the same as calling)  Doing little things at church, during Sunday school time, made me feel complete.  But I got home later tonight with a message that asked if I would lead some woman study this Thursday and was sent into a tail spin.  I think I need to stand up for what my real gifts are and not try to pretend that I’m what others want me to be. I am not a teacher. I am not an encourager, at least not verbally. I can do awfully good at pretending to be both, but it’s at a sacrifice of my own heart and it never fills me up, it devastates me.  I think I’ll be calling her tomorrow and letting her know that I probably wouldn’t be the best back up leader.  It’s not what God has instilled in me. Now if you want someone to make some handy handouts or to make sure the couch is in a good position to see the TV, I’m your person. Times like this I wish God had given me other gifts…since mine never seem to be enough or what is needed… blah.

A quote:

“God has declared in the gospel that whenever we come to him, we are to call upon him freely and openly as our Father, who has adopted us as his children. If we do not have this assurance, the thought of serving God will make us grind our teeth.

If, however, we are persuaded that God looks upon us favourably; if, though we are weak and can do nothing worthy of his approval, he accepts us in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, then we will surely be filled with courage.

We will be like a ship’s sail that has been stretched and filled by the breeze! Thus, our hearts will run to obey him, like a ship driven along by its sail, when we know that God delights in us and accepts our works, not wanting us to be compelled into servitude. He is happy for us to be his children, and that we desire to obey him.”

- John Calvin, Sermons on Galatians (preaching on Gal 5:1-3)

Retreat! (10/04/08)

Retreat…but stand firm! (and eat some yummy bread while you do it)

Today at a woman’s retreat up at a lovely cabin in Logan Canyon we were reminded of the importance of daily Bible study in our quiet times each day. After going through, giving us ideas on what we could do for quiet times, we were given the opportunity to practice the new skills.

We studied Eph 6:10-18, most commonly known as the “Armor of God” verses.

You know, the belt of truth, breastplate of righteousness, shoes of the gospel of peace, shield of faith, helmet of salvation, and sword of the Word.  Here are some of my thoughts on the passage. I tend to always end up with many questions after doing these sort of things.

Like:

Pants? Shirt? Back? Arms? What about these non-protected areas of our body. Why aren’t they listed, and how should we protect them?

To put something on, we have to first take something off… Right? Are we to become “naked” before God, before we put on the armor?

To put on truth, we must first take off deceptions and lies. To put on righteousness, we must be stripped of our sinfulness and unforgiveness. To dress in peace, we must disrobe disharmony and distractions and anger.  For faith, we must cast off doubt and fears. Putting on salvation, means that our bondage and being lost are gone, and to wear the Word means to stop wearing falsehoods and my limited human understanding about things in my life.

While sitting there I had this image of my toddler trying and getting dress. She’s just barely learning and never gets it correct. Pants go on her head, socks on her hands, a shirt around her foot.  I have to help her get dressed, sometimes wrestling her down to the ground when she throws a fit and doesn’t want to wear what I’ve picked out.  I thought that is what I really want, for God to dress me. I’m tired of messing it up. Don’t let me fumble through it anymore, with my stuff on inside out and upside down. Wrestle me to the ground if You have to, because I would rather wear the beautiful dress you have than this ripped and ugly sackcloth I’m trying to put on.

And finally my thought was, is there ever a time, when we can rest from wearing this battle gear? Can we ever take off the armor and just relax?  Do we wear it waking and sleeping?  Or are we always to just Stand firm on the Battlefield, and let Him fight the battle around us? Do we rust?

As I said. Lots of questions, and I probably won’t get many answered, but it’s how my mind works. I enjoyed delving into the Word and seeing some new things I hadn’t before.  I hope to do it more often, and I’m sure you’ll read more about it on this blog as I do.

Cross Carrying(10/03/08)

Mat 10:38 and anyone who does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.
Mat 10:39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Col 1:20 through him(Jesus) to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross.

In a Beth Moore study I started, she said one thing that has had me thinking the past few days.

“Are you carrying your cross, or a cause“  In the past few weeks, with all this political yuckiness I have a feeling many of us are carrying a cause, more than the Cross.  I know I tend to.