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Absent from the Blog

I’ve been absent. Not from the computer, just from my blogs. I apologize, but it might continue. I’m on facebook. Addicted? Oh, probably, but it’s offered a new and interesting way to catch up with people in my life. People I haven’t seen for years, and people I see ever Sunday. It’s been awesome, but by hanging out there, I know I’ve been missing some of my readers here. If you are interested in ‘joining’ me over at facebook, leave a message. I’ve been busy with the Center for Pregnancy Choices. It’s officially open. Paperwork, knitting, everything is pretty much geared towards that the past few months. This will probably continue to be. I’m volunteering there around 12 to 15 hours a week.  Please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers.  It’s been 11 years since I’ve had a job outside the home, and they aren’t used to sharing me with the rest of the world. So far it’s going okay, but it’s new and interesting.   I’m still knitting, mostly baby items to use up my stash yarn, with the hope that I can use all that lace weight yarn I have hiding in my closet, soon.  I’m also spinning yarn on a borrowed spinning wheel and loving it.  It really slows down my mind and helps me think clearly. I love starting my day with a good spinning session!

So… I’ll be around, k?

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I’m not one that usually does these type of things, but this is a wonderful opportunity for our Center. We are quickly approaching our launch day of Jan 22nd, 2009, the anniversary of Roe vs Wade. We choose this day for many reasons, one to reclaim it for the mission of sanctity of life.

Our center is called the Center for Pregnancy Choices, is 100% pro-life, education and support and right now has a great opportunity for a free website. We are in the finalist and just need enough votes to ‘win’ On the website below you can read a bit about the 3 choices and cast your vote. Of course I’d love if it was for our center, but all three do seem to have a wonderful chance to help many people.

Thanks!
http://mediaoutreach.com/?page_id=701

Failure to Communicate

I have 4 children. 3 girls and 1 boy. Girl, Boy, Girl, Girl.

This blog post will be one of those ‘woe is me’ blog posts I’ve warned about.

My first girl turns 13 in a few days (that’s not the reason for woe is me, at least not for this post) When she was 12 months old she lost all her communication skills (and she had many) and some of her developmental abilities. She regressed to about 3 months old. It was heartbreaking and it wasn’t until about 3rd grade that we finally got a reasonable ‘diagnosis’ to make sense of it all. She had memory problems. She would learn, and unlearn things, life skills, etc. No clue why, or how, or what, just that she had severe developmental delays with severe communication disorders. She’s great now, we’ve grown to put things into her life that are automatic, to help her remember, and deal with life. We don’t even really think about it anymore (like only giving her a list of 2 things at most to do in a row etc) Her communication, person to person, could use some help, but she’s not a dummy. Vocab is college level, reading is almost post highschool. I’m proud.

Dear son, never had any problems other than a year to correct some speech problems that most kids have. Got the R under control and he was fine. To fine. He’s to smart for public schools, but it’s where we have him at the moment.

5 years later came dear daughter number two and I knew fairly quickly something was unique about her. She would line up all her toys in rows, everything was rows… drawing bubbles in rows, people, in rows.  Once we realized that her mind thought this way, it’s been easier to help her learn things, but it’s a struggle for her. She’s been labeled communication disorder too.  She’s finally speaking quite well but there were a few years there that it was quite frustrating.  We are learning that her communication disorder resembles nothing like my oldest and so some of the things that work for her, don’t work for dd2. But we are dealing and things are going well.  She’s becoming teachable.

5 years later, I have my next daughter. She’s almost 18 months. This is where the woe is me comes in.

I believe she also has a communication disorder. Perhaps worse than all of them. No words at all at 18 kidstalkingmonths.  It breaks my heart. I was doing just fine with it until yesterday. Then it hit me, that I probably have another child that won’t speak or learn or live quite normal.  It’s not fair. It’s not fair? It’s not fair! Why? Why?

Woe is me, it’s selfish of me to feel this way.  I know the next few years are going to be frustrating, perhaps more for her as for me, because I know she’ll want to communicate but won’t be able to.  I guess because I’ve been through this before 2 times now, I just don’t want to think about going thruogh it again.  It’s not fair. But God, I love her so much.   Not sure I can explain the hopelessness I feel, and the guilt, and the anger, and the depression.  Is it my genes? Something I ate? Something I did? Something I didn’t do?  Why my girls and not my boy?  They are so precious, why them? Why is ‘normal’ for us ‘abnormal’?

I realize that having ‘lived’ through this with 2 other children, doing a 3rd should be easy… but I sort of feel like it’s going to be harder.  Ignorance is bliss? Dreams again delayed? Waiting for that one day she looks at me and say mama… wanting for that one day I’ll  tell her to stop saying ‘mama, mama, mama’ over and over. So hard to wait, to trust, to know… to wait… and wait… and pray… and pray.. and hope… and never really know…

Woe is me… I’m scared, and sad, and selfish.

Looking forward, changing my dreams, hoping to see more clearly. They all deserve it.

Loser Voting

flagI live in a Red State. Conservatism, for now rules.

I voted yesterday. For a 3rd party.

I was a loser.

constitution

Having fellow, well loved and beloved Christian friends tell me I threw away my vote, or by not voting for McCain I was voting for Obama is heart breaking.

I didn’t throw away my vote anymore than they did. I voted.

I had that vote counted. I matter. I drew the line and both men failed.

My voice matters.  They don’t understand.

checkmate1But I do. By voting for a known loser, I won.

It’s enough for me.

Checkmate.

Blink(10/13/08)

I blinked and days and days went by. So much for my idea of posting daily! I barely dragged myself to the computer some days, so I suppose it could be worse!

Last Thursday began the parent teacher conferences. I’m trying to find a quote on my other blog about these things… Ah here it is, from October 12th, 2005:

Tonight is the kids Teacher/Parent Lieing Contest. I mean Conference. I go in there, sit down, and nod alot with a smile pasted to my lips. “Your son is so wonderful, never misbehaves, is a natural leader” Why do teachers lie? I mean, how is it that my children can be so different at school than they are at home. I know full well that they are throwing fits, kicking desks, tossing books around and not using that “indoor voice

Or could it be, that just by crossing the threshold of my home turns them into demons. And there is somthing magical, perhaps pretty pixie dust, that they inhale on the bus drive to school that turns them into perfect, wonderful, calm angels. Do they sell this dust on ebay? Can it be bought by the public. I need 6 tons of it.

I giggle when I read it. Yeah, I remember feeling that way. Totally! But it seems like someone else too at the same time. Amazing what a few years, and kids changing/growing, changes things.

I will go to PTC’s tonight/tomorrow night and learn that yes, Dani (1st grade) doesn’t always use her inside voice, but otherwise is probably a pretty calm, lovely young gal, and totally believe it.  Trying to explain to the teacher that the fact that Dani is even Talking.. even if it is LOUDLY is such a pleasure and amazing leap of development that I’m so stinking happy, and would be even if she was screaming at the tops of her lungs (with in reason I suppose). That will be something harder to explain. She struggles with things, she’s a bit of a perfectionest trapped in a mind/body that has delays and it drives her nuts and sad sometimes.  She wants to know everything she can, NOW, but just lacks the ability. It will come, I have no doubt, but she will need to let us work with her to make it so.

Mike (11) has grow into a charming, engaging, politically minded, news devouring young man. It’s actually pretty easy to have more deep conversations with him, and have him bring up points of views I haven’t thought about (past mumble from him after watching the news… wow, it’s like Chase bank is buying up all the other banks…one day, Chase is going to own every bank in the world, then all we will have to do is go to Chase and get what we need, I don’t like it though, it gives to much power to one bank…)  Gee–and I’ve never taught him about end times One world Religion/Money or anything like that! Made me stop and think what all this ‘bailout’ really means in the scheme of my faith.

My ‘cool’ (her word) oldest daughter turns 13 soon. She’s always played the ‘dummy’ in the family. Mike was the smart one, so she’s the cool one. Last year told us that wasn’t quite true. Straight A’s. This year, it became even more apparent. Our little, communication and severely developmentally delayed gal, is reading at a 11th grade level, and has a post high school vocabulary, she’s excelling at Band, and if we can keep her from getting a bit lazy, will again pull straight a’s (maybe a B here or there)  I sat her down the other day and reminded her that she can be the ‘cool’ kid, but I know she’s smart, and if she doesn’t know it, she needs to understand. She has brains, good brains, great brains, and while it took a while for that brain/communication skills to develop, and there still might be times it doesn’t click and we can help her through that, they are coming along great and I know she’s headed for wonderful things in her life.  I wish I had known all that when I was screaming her her, at the top of my lungs, when she was 2 and 3 years old, not understanding why simple things were so hard for her.  I had no clue.  Maybe I still don’t.

Dang it I love my kids.

Oh, and yes I do have 4 children. Marissa is, almost 16 months old. She only has 2 teeth, her hair is growing wonky, she doesn’t say ANY words (yeah she lost the word apple somewhere.. bummer) but she loves to play Chess with Mike (their version), she loves to cuddle when Mom sings her Amazing Grace. Itsy Bitsy Spider is her favorite thing, and she doesn’t ever tire of hearing about the wheels on the bus.  She walks, she runs, she stumbles, she’s learning to climb. She’d love to color the house with markers if she could, and she still puts everything in her mouth. I’d love for her to say my name, or Milk, or bottle… I’ve been down this road 2 other times now, and it’s so difficult not to get frustrated and fearful.  But I also know, I’ve been down this road 2 other times, and things will…work…out.  They always do, she is who she is… my baby, and that’s all she needs to be, right now, for today.

And for today, I will be what I can only be. Their, ever-learning, quite flawed, clueless, funny, silly, willing, awestruck — Mom.

Remember when I said some days I might just write

Gah – Sigh

That’s today, and yesterday. Icky.  Later

I’m starting the Beth Moore study: Beloved Disciple. Over the next few weeks, I’ll probably pull some quotes from it that really spoke to me and share on the blog. Here are the ones from today. (I’m trying to catch up on homework, so it’s from the first week homework and some of the second)

Oh, the Beloved Disciple is a study on John (not the baptist, though the study starts off talking about him) but the John who wrote the Gospel. How he called himself “the disciple whom Jesus loved.”  How this son of Thunder became the Beloved, and how we can take the same journey and have the same legacy. We can, each of us, be His only Beloved Disciple. If you want to be involved in the study, it’s on Thursday mornings 9:30 to Noon in Logan… childcare usually provided (last week the child care worker had an ER visit so wasn’t able to) We get together, discuss the homework and watch a video, and eat donuts… (I mean healthy things like grapes!)

And now some thoughts/fragments of thought:

Do I cover my insecurities with a blanket of sameness?(routines/traditions/laws/ordinances/ceremonies/habits)

Even in the silent years of Israel’s history, God was never inactive. God’s silence never equals his slumber.  Thankfully, no amount of tradition can stop God when He has a mind to change things.

I don’t have all the answers–I’m still trying to figure out what the questions are!

If you’re bored with life, and stuck in a rut of routine, you may have believed IN Christ, but you may not yet have agreed to follow Him.(reference of Him calling his disciples)  People are much harder to change than water (his first miracle)

People knew Jesus was unique before they knew He was God.

Believing and living a lie is so exhausting. Learn to see yourself in relationship with Jesus Christ.  Trying to be someone else is exhausting, learn to define yourself by your relationship to Jesus. We arrive at an important place of maturity when we can say who we are–and who we are not. Take off that mask.

Jesus is not a superhuman. He is God  who occupies the throne of all creation. One reason Jesus takes us places we’ve never been is to show us that He’s not like anyone else.(reference to the mount of transfiguration)

Sometimes we go our own ways, and God has mercy on us and shows us something there. Other times we beg Him to allow us to go a certain place, and He consents. Still other times God takes us places we never intended to go and reveals Himself to us in ways we didn’t even know He existed.